June 19, 2008 by veronica.

Two of the better things said to me today:
First, by a woman in my yoga class after finding out how far along I am ( I told her 6 months, but now I’m wondering if I’m 7):
“Oh, but you look so tiny!”

Then, by Chris, after I told him I was fed up with the medical system and was having the next baby at home:
“OK, well, I’ll get some books, read up on it, and stay at a Holiday Inn Express the night before and I’ll deliver the baby.”

Anything that gets me through the day…

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May 26, 2008 by veronica.

After an almost 4 month-long hiatus from attending births, the last month has found me at 4 of them. They ranged from the very surreal (a dueling doula!) to absolutely awe-inspiring(Yay VBACs!!). And now, after months of refusing to pick up pregnancy books, I’ve found myself again consuming books about pregnancy and birth at an alarming rate.
With my daughter, I pored over books, trying to make sense of how things would go. “Wait, there are three stages? But one has three phases? What did they mean? And what the hell are these emotional signposts?” I knew it would be hard, but I had all the faith in the world in my resident OB. But very little faith in my own body. And, really, it was hard to have any faith in it, especially by the time my water broke. When that very-certain event happened, I had already experienced 3 “false alarms”. I was convinced my body couldn’t do it, but desperately tried to find some reassurance after each time that this was normal, and my body wasn’t broken. I wasn’t convinced, and I’m sure that’s part of the reason I had such a long, difficult birth. I was scared, my care providers kept reminding me that I should be scared, and I was certain my labor just wasn’t going to work out.
This time? This time I’m not wrapped up in my own pregnancy the way I was before; I’m more wrapped up in the subject of birth in general. Something sort of went off in me in the last few weeks and I’ve had this very intense need to work on….something. What I’m working on, I don’t know. But I know that I need to do a bunch of reading before I get a project figured out and I start to work on it. It may be an article for the professional journals I get. It may be something bigger. Again, I don’t know, but I know it’s growing, just as sure as this little boy in my stomach is growing, bit by bit every day.
So what about these “tigers”? Well, a “tiger”, according to Pam England, Author of Birthing From Within, are those fears women have about childbirth. She believes(and I strongly agree with her) that mothers have to face these fears so that they can has more positive birth experiences. Otherwise, these fears can cause all sorts of issues as they come out of the shadows for women.
After a meeting a few weeks ago, I was discussing a new study regarding childbirth that had been published. I’m a study nut. I really only believe in teaching evidence-based care, so that requires me to be up on the evidence. So we were talking about this study, which on the surface suggests one thing (that we can tell when women’s bodies are flawed and will need surgical help), but instead suggests something I know from other evidence( that it’s mostly a result of obstetric intervention). So we were discussing this study, and the doula asked me if knowing all of this stuff makes me nervous about my upcoming labor and birth.
My answer? Yes and No. I love knowing as much as I do. I love the fact that I have seen so many births have remarkable outcomes. I wish this wasn’t the case, but I know so much more than most American mothers know. In my case, I really truly believe that I can make informed decisions…mostly because I know ACOG and AWHONN guidelines, WHO targets, Cochrane database findings….All of that good stuff. All of that stuff that the “What to Fear”..errr…”Expect” books don’t tell you. (they make it sound like you can’t know anything…you’re not smart enough to understand any evidence, according to them!!!)
I do, however, have one very large tiger. I’m working very hard to confront him. My tiger? I’m am freaked out that I will have a care provider who refuses to listen to me, refuses to respect the process of birth, and who tries to control me through fear. I have seen this in so many labor rooms. I’m seen rude nurses who make up rules and facts as they go along, I’m seen midwives belittle the mother’s efforts, and I’ve seen OBs act without consent. It’s shocking and infuriating every time I see it happen, but I can’t ever do anything about it. I’m working very hard to ensure that I’ll have a respectful team around me once I do give birth again—There will be at least one doula, a midwife, a very informed husband, and hopefully a very skilled and sympathetic nurse. But at least this time, if I see a problem, I’ll be able to toss out anyone who does not treat this wonderful, awesome journey with the awe and respect it deserves.

Posted in Little boy in my belly, Living la vida Lamaze, The doula journey | 1 Comment »